IECRC (USA & Canada)

Over the past few days, the Internet went abuzz with the suicide of a young teen, Amanda Todd, only 15 years old, having lived her last days of her life in absolute torment as a result of exposing herself to an individual she taught she knew over the Internet, who attempted to exploit her through extortion had she not complied to his forthcoming demand. When she ignored him, her life was turned topsy-turvy when the police came knocking on her door in the early hours of the day with the news that her pictures were posted all over the Internet.

Her haunting story is told by herself, prior to her taking her own life after a couple of unsuccessful attempts, over YouTube, in black and white, where she silently flipped card after card of her heart-wrenching story. It ended with the words, “I have nobody…I need someone 🙁 …my name is Amanda Todd”. Shortly thereafter, she hung herself.

The response to her suicide was a disconcerting mix of emotions including feelings of empathy, sadness, hopelessness towards her and all who face her predicament along with hatred, anger, and disgust to those whose actions brought about this frail girl to take her life.

How lonely this girl felt? Was there no one who was willing to share her burden with her? With all of the support systems available and in place, what was it that kept her from availing them, or is there really a support system for kids like her to turn to. Obviously her friends were of no use to her, because they all abandoned her. Then there’s the one who had his girlfriend turn on her after using her because she was so desperate to find someone who loved her.

I have heard various viewpoints over the past few days as to why Amanda was driven to take her life. Some named the prevalence of reality-shows where young girls are increasingly engaging in ruthless and cunning ways to get what they want. Whereas, others though it was the fierce competition that our society as a whole has to engage in to succeed. Then there are those who blamed the parents for not giving her enough love. These may all be true, but the main cause, without a doubt was bullying. Bullying is one of of the leading causes of suicide in teens. The reality of the matter is that Middle and High schools in the United States and Canada have become increasingly cruel places for those who don’t have the power to stand up to bullying. If you don’t fit in the social norms of what defines the school, you are an outcast and you will be bullied, picked-on, thrown in the rubbish bins, along with and a host of other cruelties that our kids just keep within themselves and never talk about.

Are we to be naïve enough to believe that schools are not aware of such issues? Why is it, the moment a child sets foot into middle school, all communication, other than grades, are off limits for parents? How are truly concerned parents to help if their kids have sworn to secrecy, where “telling on others” is the worst taboo? My take on this, and I may be wrong, nobody knows what the parents had to go through to have her avoid all of this. Do you think that her parents had not given her all the love in the world, considering they had to make huge life changes by changing school-after-school to help their daughter find peace in a cruel society?

What does it take to break the cycle of bullying? Standing up to the bullies, with the risk of being beaten by a mob? Telling on others and risk dropping down the lowest rung of the social ladder? Confiding in your parents and risk being called a “baby”, or talking to friends, who really are not your true friends, because they could not stand up with you, and because they abandoned you when you really needed them? What does it take?

By the way, in the case of Amanda, where were the men who could’ve but didn’t stand up to the bully? Are there any more men left in our schools? If three or four brave young men took a stand this may not have happened.  Can you redeem yourself by taking a stand next time?

Then there are those who believe they are helping the cause against suicide, but they are actually trivializing it.

In old England suicide was considered a capital crime depriving the deceased of a decent burial unless they were insane. In my own faith, Muslims believe that the one committing suicide re-lives the very act of suicide over and over again until and beyond the Day of Reckoning. For many Muslims, believe alone is a prevention of suicidal thoughts, and suicide will never be an option, no matter what. Amanda’s fate is something for God to decide, and God is not unjust and will not punish a child who has not reached mental maturity (in some opinions as opposed to just physical maturity ), nor would He punish the one who was suffering from serious mental illness, severe depression and anxiety both being serious mental conditions. This should not be construed as trivializing suicide in Islam, but rather a call for Muslim scholars and jurists to recognize that depression is one of the leading causes of suicide, even among Muslims, and merely pointing out the punishment of the act is not enough. We have the tools in traditional Islamic counseling to address the epidemic of depression and when we do see there is a need for psychological or psychiatric help we should put our pride aside and refer the patient to those medically trained in that field. The point I am trying to make is that those who trivialize suicide with remarks like “fly free”, “fly with angels”, “wear pink to support” and so forth, are actually encouraging it whereas the real encouragement should have been focused on her, before the fact, to save her from such a painful life to begin with. We can sit in our couches and wear as much pink as we want, hoping that Amanda’s soul will fly away with angels until we are blue in our faces, but saying such things, in my opinion, only trivializes the enormity of someone driven to the degree of taking their own life. Yes, one of the most profound tweets this morning that caught my eye is one in which a youngster writes that the reaction to her suicide by the vast majority of comments made her sick of Humanity and how people trivialized suicide. She was right!

So what can be done to deal with this epidemic of bullying and resulting suicides? I offer one option that I know is effective. For many, homeschooling is not an option, because, often, parents are led to believe that it is too tasking and they cannot teach. But there are many modes to homeschooling. The least you may need is to ensure that your teen is progressing. Online homeschooling is a new phenomenon that is quite popular among many parents nationwide.  Other options include part online, self-study, and tutor help at a school. Teachers are also paid by many states to tutor your kids as needed at their homes. If your child is being bullied, look for warning signs of withdrawal, behavior changes, unhappiness, and a host of other reactions that scream out to you that something is not right. I often hear parents’ concerns that their child will miss out in social interaction. Well, there is plenty of that outside of school. It is what you make of it. Bond with families who are doing the same and there are many families. Try it for a year and that often removes the anxiety until your beloved child regains the confidence to return back to society. In the case of Amanda, it is too late, and the very thing that parents feared the lack of, social interaction, is the very cause of her demise. There are ways out. Seek them!

As for competition, I really believe that it healthy as long as it is in education, sports and not in attempting to be the most popular person in school. School uniforms are a good option to remove negative competition, but no, our corporate back-to-school sponsors would claim that it’s not good for the economy. And many parents buy into the myth of children losing their individuality. In my experience with uniformed schools, kids will find a way to express their individuality despite the uniform in more positive ways!

And lastly, schools share some blame on this. They have the responsibility not to enforce but to create an environment that is safe for kids. They have a moral obligation, in my opinion, to communicate with parents just the way they did in elementary school. Many countries continue to do this through high school, why not in America considering the alarming rates of depression and anxiety, and other resulting mental disorders? For Heaven’s sake, kids are in need of continual guidance through school, and also beyond as long as it is done in a sane and encouraging manner, what’s the harm in that?

I do not claim to have all the answers, but what I do know is that the status quo is unacceptable and we will continue to lose many more Amandas and share in the guilt of our inaction. The least we can do is discourage suicide, encourage our loved ones, find creative ways to break the cycle of bullying and maybe on the Day of Reckoning we will not be held collectively accountable for our stupidity.

Peace!

Sharaaz Khan