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Suicide and Bullying: A Time for Change
Over the past few days, the Internet went abuzz with the suicide of a young teen, Amanda Todd, only 15 years old, having lived her last days of her life in absolute torment as a result of exposing herself to an individual she taught she knew over the Internet, who attempted to exploit her through extortion had she not complied to his forthcoming demand. When she ignored him, her life was turned topsy-turvy when the police came knocking on her door in the early hours of the day with the news that her pictures were posted all over the Internet.
Her haunting story is told by herself, prior to her taking her own life after a couple of unsuccessful attempts, over YouTube, in black and white, where she silently flipped card after card of her heart-wrenching story. It ended with the words, “I have nobody…I need someone 🙁 …my name is Amanda Toddâ€. Shortly thereafter, she hung herself.
The response to her suicide was a disconcerting mix of emotions including feelings of empathy, sadness, hopelessness towards her and all who face her predicament along with hatred, anger, and disgust to those whose actions brought about this frail girl to take her life.
How lonely this girl felt? Was there no one who was willing to share her burden with her? With all of the support systems available and in place, what was it that kept her from availing them, or is there really a support system for kids like her to turn to. Obviously her friends were of no use to her, because they all abandoned her. Then there’s the one who had his girlfriend turn on her after using her because she was so desperate to find someone who loved her.
I have heard various viewpoints over the past few days as to why Amanda was driven to take her life. Some named the prevalence of reality-shows where young girls are increasingly engaging in ruthless and cunning ways to get what they want. Whereas, others though it was the fierce competition that our society as a whole has to engage in to succeed. Then there are those who blamed the parents for not giving her enough love. These may all be true, but the main cause, without a doubt was bullying. Bullying is one of of the leading causes of suicide in teens. The reality of the matter is that Middle and High schools in the United States and Canada have become increasingly cruel places for those who don’t have the power to stand up to bullying. If you don’t fit in the social norms of what defines the school, you are an outcast and you will be bullied, picked-on, thrown in the rubbish bins, along with and a host of other cruelties that our kids just keep within themselves and never talk about.
Are we to be naïve enough to believe that schools are not aware of such issues? Why is it, the moment a child sets foot into middle school, all communication, other than grades, are off limits for parents? How are truly concerned parents to help if their kids have sworn to secrecy, where “telling on others†is the worst taboo? My take on this, and I may be wrong, nobody knows what the parents had to go through to have her avoid all of this. Do you think that her parents had not given her all the love in the world, considering they had to make huge life changes by changing school-after-school to help their daughter find peace in a cruel society?
What does it take to break the cycle of bullying? Standing up to the bullies, with the risk of being beaten by a mob? Telling on others and risk dropping down the lowest rung of the social ladder? Confiding in your parents and risk being called a “babyâ€, or talking to friends, who really are not your true friends, because they could not stand up with you, and because they abandoned you when you really needed them? What does it take?
By the way, in the case of Amanda, where were the men who could’ve but didn’t stand up to the bully? Are there any more men left in our schools? If three or four brave young men took a stand this may not have happened. Can you redeem yourself by taking a stand next time?
Then there are those who believe they are helping the cause against suicide, but they are actually trivializing it.
In old England suicide was considered a capital crime depriving the deceased of a decent burial unless they were insane. In my own faith, Muslims believe that the one committing suicide re-lives the very act of suicide over and over again until and beyond the Day of Reckoning. For many Muslims, believe alone is a prevention of suicidal thoughts, and suicide will never be an option, no matter what. Amanda’s fate is something for God to decide, and God is not unjust and will not punish a child who has not reached mental maturity (in some opinions as opposed to just physical maturity ), nor would He punish the one who was suffering from serious mental illness, severe depression and anxiety both being serious mental conditions. This should not be construed as trivializing suicide in Islam, but rather a call for Muslim scholars and jurists to recognize that depression is one of the leading causes of suicide, even among Muslims, and merely pointing out the punishment of the act is not enough. We have the tools in traditional Islamic counseling to address the epidemic of depression and when we do see there is a need for psychological or psychiatric help we should put our pride aside and refer the patient to those medically trained in that field. The point I am trying to make is that those who trivialize suicide with remarks like “fly free”, “fly with angels”, “wear pink to support” and so forth, are actually encouraging it whereas the real encouragement should have been focused on her, before the fact, to save her from such a painful life to begin with. We can sit in our couches and wear as much pink as we want, hoping that Amanda’s soul will fly away with angels until we are blue in our faces, but saying such things, in my opinion, only trivializes the enormity of someone driven to the degree of taking their own life. Yes, one of the most profound tweets this morning that caught my eye is one in which a youngster writes that the reaction to her suicide by the vast majority of comments made her sick of Humanity and how people trivialized suicide. She was right!
So what can be done to deal with this epidemic of bullying and resulting suicides? I offer one option that I know is effective. For many, homeschooling is not an option, because, often, parents are led to believe that it is too tasking and they cannot teach. But there are many modes to homeschooling. The least you may need is to ensure that your teen is progressing. Online homeschooling is a new phenomenon that is quite popular among many parents nationwide.  Other options include part online, self-study, and tutor help at a school. Teachers are also paid by many states to tutor your kids as needed at their homes. If your child is being bullied, look for warning signs of withdrawal, behavior changes, unhappiness, and a host of other reactions that scream out to you that something is not right. I often hear parents’ concerns that their child will miss out in social interaction. Well, there is plenty of that outside of school. It is what you make of it. Bond with families who are doing the same and there are many families. Try it for a year and that often removes the anxiety until your beloved child regains the confidence to return back to society. In the case of Amanda, it is too late, and the very thing that parents feared the lack of, social interaction, is the very cause of her demise. There are ways out. Seek them!
As for competition, I really believe that it healthy as long as it is in education, sports and not in attempting to be the most popular person in school. School uniforms are a good option to remove negative competition, but no, our corporate back-to-school sponsors would claim that it’s not good for the economy. And many parents buy into the myth of children losing their individuality. In my experience with uniformed schools, kids will find a way to express their individuality despite the uniform in more positive ways!
And lastly, schools share some blame on this. They have the responsibility not to enforce but to create an environment that is safe for kids. They have a moral obligation, in my opinion, to communicate with parents just the way they did in elementary school. Many countries continue to do this through high school, why not in America considering the alarming rates of depression and anxiety, and other resulting mental disorders? For Heaven’s sake, kids are in need of continual guidance through school, and also beyond as long as it is done in a sane and encouraging manner, what’s the harm in that?
I do not claim to have all the answers, but what I do know is that the status quo is unacceptable and we will continue to lose many more Amandas and share in the guilt of our inaction. The least we can do is discourage suicide, encourage our loved ones, find creative ways to break the cycle of bullying and maybe on the Day of Reckoning we will not be held collectively accountable for our stupidity.
Peace!
Sharaaz Khan
Celebrating Eid-e-Milad
When we celebrate Milad, we gather, in order to send salutations (Esal-e-Swaab) to the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace], give charity to the poor (Sadaqah Khairat) and remember wilaadah(Birth) and virtues of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]. The Ahl as-Sunnah does not say that one must celebrate “Milad†only on 12 Rabee’-ul-Awwal, in fact it can be celebrated at anytime of the year. Generally Milad-un-Nabi is celebrated, on the 12th of Rabee’ul-Awwal, by Muslims all over the world. In every Muslim country, there is a public holiday for “Milaad-un-Nabeeâ€, except one country, but even in that country, the people celebrate “Milaad†individually. The birth of the Anbiyaa’ has been mentioned in the Qur’an. For example, Adam, Musaa, Eesaa, and Yahyaa (May Allah bless them and grant them peace). If it is wrong to talk about the birth of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace), then why has Allah TA’ALA mentioned it in the Qur’an?
Evidence of Milaad-un-Nabi from the Qur’an
Allah Ta’ala says in the Holy Qur’an:
Say: “In the bounty of Allah, and his mercy;- Therein let them rejoice.†That is better then what they Amass.
(Yunus, 58)
In this verse, Allah Almighty tells us that we should be happy when we receive blessings and mercy from Him. Without doubt, the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] is the greateset mercy and blessing of Allah Almighty
Allah Almighty says in the Qur’an:
“And we sent not to you but a mercy for all the worlds†(Al’Anbiyaa’, 107)
AllahAlmighty says in the Qur’an:
Oh Prophet! The communicator of unseen news. We have sent you as a present beholder and bearer of glad tidings and a warner.
And an inviter towards Allah by His command and a brightening sun.
And give glad tidings to the believers that for them is great bounty of Allah.
(Al-aHzaab, 44-47)
AllahAlmighty says in the Qur’an:
…remind them of the day of Allah…
(Ibraaheem, 5)
Hafidhh Ibn Kathir and Qadi Shawkani writes that:
“the day of Allah†refers to the day on which AllahAlmighty has done a favour on mankind. For example, the freedom of Bani Isra’il from the slavery of Fir’awn.
[Tafsir Ibn Kathir, and Fath-ul-qadeer, by Hafidhh Ibn Kather and Qaadee Shawkaanee]
Allah’s graetest favour on mankind was the birth of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]. This means that the Milaad of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] is a “day of Allahâ€, therefore we should remember it.
Hafidh Ibn Rajab writes that:
It is recommended to fast on those days on which Allah Almighty has sent blessings on us. The greatest favour which AllahAlmighty has bestowed us with, is the sending down of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]. Allah Almighty says in the Qur’an:
“I have favoured among nations and sent to you a Prophet from among youâ€(ltaa’if-ul-ma’rif, page 111, by Hafidh Ibn Rajab)
Some other evidences of Milaad
Our Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] celebrated the birth of his son Ibraaheem by freeing a slave. (Tareekh Ibn Kathir, “Birth of Ibraaheemâ€).
Imam Muslim writes that the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] was asked about the fast on Mondays, which he used to keep, the Prophet replied “This is the day of my birthâ€.
(Muslim, “Kitaab-us-Sawmâ€)
This proves that the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] kept fast on Mondays to show gratitude for his birth.
Imam Bukhari writes that:
when Abu Lahab died, someone from his household saw him in a dream, they asked him what happened in the grave he said “I am being punished severely, but on Mondays, I get water from my finger with which I am freed Thuwayba,
(Bukhari, “Kitaab-un-Nikaahâ€)
Friday is a special day for Muslims because this is the day that Allah created Aadam[May Allah bless him and grant him peace]
(The Muslim book of Jum’ah, also Tareekh Ibn Kathir, vol.1, “Story of Aadam (May Allah bless him and grant him peace])
Hafidhh Ibn Kathir writes that Abu Lahab freed Thuwayba on the day that the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] was born.
(Sirat-un-Nabee, “Birth of Prophet May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]â€, by Hafidh Ibn Kathir)
This proves that a kaafir, Abu Lahab, was happy on the day of the birth of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] and was rewarded by having his punishment reduced. If this is true, then indeed Allah will bless a Muslim who rejoices the birth of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace]. This Hadith has been used by many ‘Ulamaa’, to justify the celebration of Milad.
Allama Ibn Hajr Asqalani writes that Sohaily said that Abbaas Radi-Allahu-unhu, who was the uncle of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace], had the above dream. Apart from this, other Muhadditheen have also attributed this dream to Abbaas Radi-Allahu-unhu. (Fath-ul-baari, “Nikaahâ€, by Hafidh Ibn Hajar Asqalaanee)
A person may ask, “When did Abbaas Radi-Allahu-unhu have this dream? Was it before or after he embraced Islam?†The answer to this is that he had this dream after coming into the fold of Islam (Seerah-Ibn-Hashaam) Abu Lahab died after the battle of Badr before which Abbaas Radi-Allahu-unhu embraced Islam.
Fatwa of Scholars for Milad
Hafidhh Ibn Taymiyyah writes:
“Those people who celebrate Milaad through the love and respect of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace], will be rewarded by Allah.
[Iqtidaa’ us-siraat-il-Mustaqeem, page 294]
He also writes that:
If someone celebrates Milaad with the love and respect of Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace], he will have a “big rewardâ€. He says that in Muslim communities, Milaad-un-Nabi gatherings are only done with the respect and love of the Muslims for the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]
[Iqtidaa’ as-siraat-il-Mustaqeem, page 297, by Hafidhh Ibn Taymiyyah]
Hafidhh Ibn Kathir wrote that:
There was once a King, Abu Sa’eed Malik Muzaffar – a man of good deeds. In his kingdom, wherever he saw a lack of water, he would build a well. He also established many Islamic study centers. Every year, he would spend half a million dinars on hosting a gathering of his people to celebrate the birthday of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace]
[Tareekh Ibn Kathir, see story of King Abu Sa’eed, Volume 13]
Ibn Muhammad bin Abdul Wahhab Najdi, in his book, writes:
“Thuwaiba, who was the freed slave of Abu Lahab fed Rasolallah Sallalalhu ‘alaihi wa sallam milk. Abu Lahab freed Suwaiba at the time when she informed him that a son has been born at your brother’s house. After the death of Abu Lahab he was seen in a dream, in which he said ‘I am in severe punishment but this is lessened on Mondays, he showed his forefinger, and said that he would suck from it. This is so because it was with this finger that I freed Suwaiba when she informed of the birth of the Prophet, and she also fed the Prophet Sallalalhu ‘alaihi wa sallam milkâ€. Ibn Jawzi states: Abu Lahab is that kaafir who has been specially referred to, in the Qur’an. If such a person can be rewarded for celebrating the Milaad of the Prophet Sallalalhu ‘alaihi wa Sallam, then imagine how great the reward would be for a Muslim when he celebrates it.
[Mukhtassar Sirat-ur-rasool, “Milaad-un-nabiâ€, by Ibn Muhammad bin Abdul wahhaab Najdi].
The above is evidence that celebrating the birthday of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] in the form of a gathering is permissible. Otherwise Hafidhh Ibn Kathir would not have referred to it as a good deed and Hafidhh Ibn Taymiyyah would not have said that there would be a “big reward†for doing so.
Some people have the opinion that King Abu Sa’eed introduced the celebrating of this occasion. This is not true because Hafidh Ibn Kathir states that in the 5th Century hijree, a King named Malik Shah celebrated it also with a gathering
[Tareekh Ibn Katheer biography of Malik Shah]
Some people even argue that the Holy Prophet was not even born on the 12th Rabbi Awwal. This argument is baseless, as Hafidh Ibn Kathir has discussed this in Sirat-un-nabi. He states that the majority of the scholars agree that the Prophet was born on the 12th of Rabee’ul-Aawal. The evidence of the people who do not accept this is weak.
(As-Sirat-un-nabi, vol.1, “Birth of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]â€)
Muhammad Ibn Is-haaq states that the Prophet was born on the 12th of Rabee’ul-Awwal.
(Seerah Ibn Hashaam, “Chapter Birth of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]â€)
Ibn Is-haaq was a Taabi’ and was born in 75 Hijrah. His book is the oldest book available of seerah in Islamic history. The first book of Seerah was written by Musa bin Uqba. This book is no longer avaiable for reference.
The Ahl as-Sunnah celebrate the Milaad of the Prophet [May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace] with love and respect. If someone does not celebrate it, we do not call them a kaafir because the matter of Milaad does not affect the ‘Aqeedah of a person. The celebrating of this should not cause any divisions among Muslims.
Hafidhh Salaahuddeen Yoosuf [A great follower of Hafidhh Ibn Taymiyyah and Shaikh Najdee] writes:
On the birth date of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant him peace], to give charity to the poor or to build a Masjid. We agree in this type of celebration of Milaad.
(Milaad-un-nabi, by Hafidhh.Yoosuf, page 92)
Hafidh Ibn Kathir writes: “On the day of the birth of Prophet[May Allah bless Him and grant Him peace], Shaytaan cried a lot.â€
(Sirat-un-nabi, “Birth of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace]â€, by Hafidh Ibn Kathir)
From Ibn Kathirs narration we can see that to feel unhappy on the Birthday of the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant him peace] is the way of shaytaan not the way of a Muslim!
Some questions raised concerning the Milaad
Although the Prophet was born on the 12th of Rabee’ul-awwal he also died on the same date. How then can the 12th of Rabee’ul-awwal be a happy day?
Mourning for someone’s death should not be more than three days, except for a woman, who has lost her husband. The Prophet’s [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] death was over 1400 years ago, so the period of mourning has passed. But, after someone dies, his death is remembered by reciting the Qur’an, remembering his merits, giving alms, and making du’a for him. Even if the period of mourning for the Prophet’s [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] death exists, all the actions mentioned above are included when people gather for Milaad-un-nabee. For this reason, there is not need to separate the celebration of the Prophet’s [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] birth, and the mourning of his death.
How can there be an Eid Milaad-un-nabi when there are only two Eids (Al-Fitr and Al-AdhHaa)?
Allah Almighty says in the Qur’an:
Prophet Isa [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] prayed to Allah Almighty “Oh Allah, our Lord, send down to us a tray of food from the Heavens so that it may be an occasion of Eid for us for the first and the last of us.†(Al-Maa’idah, 114)
Imam Hakim writes that the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] said “Friday is also an Eid dayâ€. Once, in the Prophet’s time Eid came on Friday and the Prophet [May Allah bless him and grant Him peace] said “Allah has given you two Eids todayâ€.
(Mustadrak, “Jum’ah†by Imam Haakim and summary by Imam Dhahabi).
Imam Tirmidhee writes
“Abdullah-bin-Abbaas was reciting verse 3 of surah maa’ida, from the Qur’an. A Jew, sitting close-by heard it and said to Abdullah “If that verse which you recited, was revealed to us, we would make that day an Eid dayâ€. Abdullah-bin-Abbas replied “When this verse was revealed, there were two Eids on that day. One of them was the Hajj day and the other Fridayâ€.
[Tirmidhee , “Tafsirâ€, and also Tafsir Ibn Kathir, surah 5, verse 3]
From the references above, it is proved that the term “Eid day†does not specifically apply to the two Eid days (Al-fitr and al-adhHaa), but instead, it could be used for any Islamic holy day. This means that we can refer to “Milaad-un-Nabi†as “Eid-Milaad-un-nabiâ€
Books on Milaad-un-Nabi (SallahoAleheWasalam)
Imam Tirmidhi, in his book even gives the title of one of this chapters, the name “Milaad-un-Nabeeâ€. (Tirmidhi, shamaa’il)
Imam Waaqdi (A second century Scholar) also wrote a book entitled “Milaad-un-Nabiâ€. The original copy can be found in Cairo.
Allama Ibn Al-Jawzi, wrote a book called “Milaad-un-Nabi†in which he gives very strong proofs permitting the celebration of Milaad
–Md Nazeer
