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Suicide and Bullying: A Time for Change
Over the past few days, the Internet went abuzz with the suicide of a young teen, Amanda Todd, only 15 years old, having lived her last days of her life in absolute torment as a result of exposing herself to an individual she taught she knew over the Internet, who attempted to exploit her through extortion had she not complied to his forthcoming demand. When she ignored him, her life was turned topsy-turvy when the police came knocking on her door in the early hours of the day with the news that her pictures were posted all over the Internet.
Her haunting story is told by herself, prior to her taking her own life after a couple of unsuccessful attempts, over YouTube, in black and white, where she silently flipped card after card of her heart-wrenching story. It ended with the words, “I have nobody…I need someone 🙁 …my name is Amanda Toddâ€. Shortly thereafter, she hung herself.
The response to her suicide was a disconcerting mix of emotions including feelings of empathy, sadness, hopelessness towards her and all who face her predicament along with hatred, anger, and disgust to those whose actions brought about this frail girl to take her life.
How lonely this girl felt? Was there no one who was willing to share her burden with her? With all of the support systems available and in place, what was it that kept her from availing them, or is there really a support system for kids like her to turn to. Obviously her friends were of no use to her, because they all abandoned her. Then there’s the one who had his girlfriend turn on her after using her because she was so desperate to find someone who loved her.
I have heard various viewpoints over the past few days as to why Amanda was driven to take her life. Some named the prevalence of reality-shows where young girls are increasingly engaging in ruthless and cunning ways to get what they want. Whereas, others though it was the fierce competition that our society as a whole has to engage in to succeed. Then there are those who blamed the parents for not giving her enough love. These may all be true, but the main cause, without a doubt was bullying. Bullying is one of of the leading causes of suicide in teens. The reality of the matter is that Middle and High schools in the United States and Canada have become increasingly cruel places for those who don’t have the power to stand up to bullying. If you don’t fit in the social norms of what defines the school, you are an outcast and you will be bullied, picked-on, thrown in the rubbish bins, along with and a host of other cruelties that our kids just keep within themselves and never talk about.
Are we to be naïve enough to believe that schools are not aware of such issues? Why is it, the moment a child sets foot into middle school, all communication, other than grades, are off limits for parents? How are truly concerned parents to help if their kids have sworn to secrecy, where “telling on others†is the worst taboo? My take on this, and I may be wrong, nobody knows what the parents had to go through to have her avoid all of this. Do you think that her parents had not given her all the love in the world, considering they had to make huge life changes by changing school-after-school to help their daughter find peace in a cruel society?
What does it take to break the cycle of bullying? Standing up to the bullies, with the risk of being beaten by a mob? Telling on others and risk dropping down the lowest rung of the social ladder? Confiding in your parents and risk being called a “babyâ€, or talking to friends, who really are not your true friends, because they could not stand up with you, and because they abandoned you when you really needed them? What does it take?
By the way, in the case of Amanda, where were the men who could’ve but didn’t stand up to the bully? Are there any more men left in our schools? If three or four brave young men took a stand this may not have happened. Can you redeem yourself by taking a stand next time?
Then there are those who believe they are helping the cause against suicide, but they are actually trivializing it.
In old England suicide was considered a capital crime depriving the deceased of a decent burial unless they were insane. In my own faith, Muslims believe that the one committing suicide re-lives the very act of suicide over and over again until and beyond the Day of Reckoning. For many Muslims, believe alone is a prevention of suicidal thoughts, and suicide will never be an option, no matter what. Amanda’s fate is something for God to decide, and God is not unjust and will not punish a child who has not reached mental maturity (in some opinions as opposed to just physical maturity ), nor would He punish the one who was suffering from serious mental illness, severe depression and anxiety both being serious mental conditions. This should not be construed as trivializing suicide in Islam, but rather a call for Muslim scholars and jurists to recognize that depression is one of the leading causes of suicide, even among Muslims, and merely pointing out the punishment of the act is not enough. We have the tools in traditional Islamic counseling to address the epidemic of depression and when we do see there is a need for psychological or psychiatric help we should put our pride aside and refer the patient to those medically trained in that field. The point I am trying to make is that those who trivialize suicide with remarks like “fly free”, “fly with angels”, “wear pink to support” and so forth, are actually encouraging it whereas the real encouragement should have been focused on her, before the fact, to save her from such a painful life to begin with. We can sit in our couches and wear as much pink as we want, hoping that Amanda’s soul will fly away with angels until we are blue in our faces, but saying such things, in my opinion, only trivializes the enormity of someone driven to the degree of taking their own life. Yes, one of the most profound tweets this morning that caught my eye is one in which a youngster writes that the reaction to her suicide by the vast majority of comments made her sick of Humanity and how people trivialized suicide. She was right!
So what can be done to deal with this epidemic of bullying and resulting suicides? I offer one option that I know is effective. For many, homeschooling is not an option, because, often, parents are led to believe that it is too tasking and they cannot teach. But there are many modes to homeschooling. The least you may need is to ensure that your teen is progressing. Online homeschooling is a new phenomenon that is quite popular among many parents nationwide.  Other options include part online, self-study, and tutor help at a school. Teachers are also paid by many states to tutor your kids as needed at their homes. If your child is being bullied, look for warning signs of withdrawal, behavior changes, unhappiness, and a host of other reactions that scream out to you that something is not right. I often hear parents’ concerns that their child will miss out in social interaction. Well, there is plenty of that outside of school. It is what you make of it. Bond with families who are doing the same and there are many families. Try it for a year and that often removes the anxiety until your beloved child regains the confidence to return back to society. In the case of Amanda, it is too late, and the very thing that parents feared the lack of, social interaction, is the very cause of her demise. There are ways out. Seek them!
As for competition, I really believe that it healthy as long as it is in education, sports and not in attempting to be the most popular person in school. School uniforms are a good option to remove negative competition, but no, our corporate back-to-school sponsors would claim that it’s not good for the economy. And many parents buy into the myth of children losing their individuality. In my experience with uniformed schools, kids will find a way to express their individuality despite the uniform in more positive ways!
And lastly, schools share some blame on this. They have the responsibility not to enforce but to create an environment that is safe for kids. They have a moral obligation, in my opinion, to communicate with parents just the way they did in elementary school. Many countries continue to do this through high school, why not in America considering the alarming rates of depression and anxiety, and other resulting mental disorders? For Heaven’s sake, kids are in need of continual guidance through school, and also beyond as long as it is done in a sane and encouraging manner, what’s the harm in that?
I do not claim to have all the answers, but what I do know is that the status quo is unacceptable and we will continue to lose many more Amandas and share in the guilt of our inaction. The least we can do is discourage suicide, encourage our loved ones, find creative ways to break the cycle of bullying and maybe on the Day of Reckoning we will not be held collectively accountable for our stupidity.
Peace!
Sharaaz Khan
Hajj (Tafseer-e-Quran by Dr. Prof. Muhammad Abdullah Qadri)
A lecture on the topic of Hajj based on the Tafseer of Surat ul-Baqarah Ayat 197) by Prof. Muhammad Abdullah Qadri
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IECRC Youth Discussion Forum (YDF)*: Sports
Bismillaahir Rahmaanir Raheem
As-salam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakaatuhu!
SPORTS! What is sports? – Sports are different kinds of activities we do in order to stay fit and healthy. Sports these days are the pleasures people prefer to indulge in. People play different sports such as basket-ball, badminton and so forth to maintain their health status and do activities such as aerobics and gymnastics, to stay fit. All of these come under the sports of everyday life or in other terms, activities of everyday life.
Allah The Exalted has given guidance for everything in life. Even Sports! People usually think that things which are not mentioned in the Qur’an are of no importance and we should avoid them. Even though sports is not mentioned in the Qur’an, The Holy Qur’an clearly gives the basic principles of playing sports in Islam. When a Muslim plays sports or indulges himself in certain activities, he should keep in mind that he is bound by the principles of ISLAM. These include basic principles like:
• Firstly, Cleanliness: Not only in sports but also in general, hygiene is a very important factor one should keep in mind while doing anything, sports in particular. We should wear clean clothes and have the proper equipment for playing the sport.
• Secondly, No Cheating: This is also among the most important factors, where the person playing should have a clear and clean mind. He should be fair in his actions and prevent malpractices which may harm his fellow opponents.
• Thirdly, No Violence: Even though we try as hard as we can to avoid fouls during a game, we never succeed. Everyone makes mistakes. Having an open mind is very important so that we can think through the situation in a fair manner. We can do this by avoiding being very aggressive and try to co-operate with the fellow mates.
• Fourthly, No Addiction: Obsession! Addiction! These days the minds of young kids have become violent due to their obsession for sports, may it be indoor or outdoor sports. In outdoor sports, we have certain sports like cricket, football and so forth which are the main addictions to the minds of teen boys. In indoor sports, the latest source of obsession for every kid is the PLAY STATION. When the kids get their hands on the gaming controller, they forget about food, parents, manners and their responsibilities. They try to postpone their work just so they can catch a few minutes of pleasure. Addiction to anything is strictly forbidden in the Holy Qur’an and sports is no exception.
In addition to the principles described above, there is one more important rule which every Muslim should follow without any excuse:
MODESTY: This rule applies to both men and women. In the case of men, they must cover between the naval and knees. In the case of women, they are to wear loose clothes which do not show the shape of their bodies. Their hands, legs and head should be covered. Let us take the example of a popular sport, Wrestling. In this sport, we see people who have a bad sense of clothing, in other terms wearing almost nothing. It is not only haraam for them to wear such clothes but it is also a sin on our part to watch them in these vulgar clothes.
Before we move ahead with this topic, I’d like to bring another important aspect to your attention. Did you know that all actions we perform in our day-to-day life fall into five different categories which are described as below:
1) Fardh (obligatory) - All actions which fall in this category are made necessary for us to follow. They are therefore, ‘fardh’ and we will be punished if we don’t perform them sincerely. Eg: Salat (5 times a day), Fast (in the Holy Month of Ramadan)
2) Mandub (recommended) – In this category if you do the particular action which is mandub, then you will get its reward but if you don’t do it then you will not get a gunaah (sin). Eg: In Dhuhr prayer, we have 4 cycles of sunnah prayers, 4 cycles of fardh prayers and 2 cycles of sunnah prayers which are all necessary for us to pray. But we also have the 2 cycles of nafl prayers which if prayed will get us a reward and if not prayed won’t get us any gunaah.
3) Mubah (neutral) – In this category are actions which do not have any inherent reward or sin – it depends on our intention. Eg: Suppose you wear a red shirt gifted by your mother without thinking about it. In this case you will not get any reward or sin. However if you wear it with the intention to make your Mom happy, then this action will get you a reward. Most sports would fall into this category except for three which will be mentioned in a Hadeeth below. If the sport is played for a good intention while keeping within all the bounds of the Shari’ah (Islamic law), it can get us a reward and if played for a bad reason or by breaking the rules of Islam, can even get us a sin.
4) Makrooh (disliked) – These actions are disliked by Allah Almighty. However we won’t be punished if we do them but if we avoid them then Allah Almighty will reward us. Eg: We should always pray salat on time. If we are free and wasting our time, leaving namaz for the last minute, it is definitely Makrooh.
5) Haram (forbidden) – The name says it all. The actions which fall in this category, are strictly forbidden by Allah and by doing this we will be punished no doubt! Eg: Drinking alcohol, immodesty etc.
Let us now talk about the advantages of sports in Islam.
– It helps to develop the health status of a person. By playing sports, we can stay fit and healthy and can avoid certain illnesses such as obesity.
– It allows people to interact with each other, with sports being a medium of interaction.
– Team sports such as cricket, develops important qualities such as leadership, team co-operation and better understanding among fellow mates.
– Acting and singing (recitation) can also be good activities depending on our intention. But then again it depends on how we see them. If we use our singing (recitation) to improve our vocals and sing (recite) hymns in the praise of Allah ALMIGHTY and poems to praise Our Beloved Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam we would get numerous thawaab or rewards. Similarly if we are acting in role plays or theater the purpose of which is to convey important messages to benefit society then this can be a good act also.
Sports can become a good deed if we remove all the bad things such as cheating, violence, addiction etc. It can also become a good deed if we are doing it for a specific reason such as to stay fit or for a charity. It should not be solely for our own pleasure and purpose. Any sport or activity which becomes an addiction is not good and strictly forbidden in the rules of Islam.
Islam is the most pure religion. Where ever it goes, it purifies it. It decides the actions we do are good or bad. It makes us think whether these actions would harm us or be of any good to us. In short, the main objective of Islam, irrespective of any topic, is to remove the bad and add the good. We should therefore, indulge in good healthy sports but not for the pleasure of it but for the benefit of it to keep us healthy. There are many sports which are excellent examples of good healthy sports such as swimming, squash etc. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) advised to be involved in three sports: swimming, archery and horseback riding. Swimming is the best exercise because it involves just about every muscle in the body. Archery teaches us precision. Horseback riding makes us sensitive to response because horses are very sensitive to the feelings of its rider. So participating in these sports would actually fall in the category of Mandub as described above.
We should all try to stay fit and healthy by playing the above mentioned sports by having a good intention of it benefitting us. As the Bukhari Shareef’s Hadeeth states, “Innamal A’amaalu bin Niyyaat†- Every action depends on its intention.
Thank You!
Sadiya Riaz Shaikh, Kingdom of Bahrain
Sadiya Riaz Shaikh is an active youth participant of IECRC Bahrain. She is the daughter of Mrs. Zarine and Mr. Riaz Shaikh who have contributed greatly to the development of IECRC work in Bahrain.
* YDF (Youth Discussion Forum) is an IECRC effort initiated in the Kingdom of Bahrain in order to engage Muslim youth in thoughtful and vibrant discussions on topics that are of interest to THEM. All too often youth are exposed to Islam in a one directional manner as a dry set of do’s and don’ts failing to reveal its rich intellectual heritage and spiritual depth and beauty. Through these discussions on topics chosen by the youth themselves, the goal of the YDF is three fold:
- To make youth realize that there is no topic that can be separated from the holistic principles and balanced values of Islam, whether it is the internet, music or movies; that Islam guides every area of life beyond praying, fasting and reading the Holy Quran.
- To break the stereotype that Islam is a dry set of do’s and don’ts and that on the contrary it is a vast and vibrant religion with a rich historical heritage which encourages intellectual discussions, not for the sake of polemics but for the sake of Allah and His Beloved Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him and his family and companions.)
- To break the stereotype that Islam doesn’t care about how you feel about things. On the contrary Islam is very sensitive to human emotions and provides practical tools to channel it in a productive way thereby nurturing the spirit.
